when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Meow?
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
me to God
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over