when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?