Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

edward fingerhands

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

The three genders

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

The Sun

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

the dark web is just a goth google.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.