Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

me after drinking all the wine:

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control