Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

What if all the cashiers are married?

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point