Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.