When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
This sounds bad:
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh