When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.