When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day