When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
my dad has had enough
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I just ran a .003048K
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..