Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.