Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

my mom making me talk to relatives

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Everything reminds me of my ex

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?