Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.