When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”