Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Good morning.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

never compromise your values

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.