Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

I have so many questions.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots