Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.