When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?