When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You learn something every day
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.