when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
#Caturday
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.