when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?