when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You Might Also Like
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.