Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

I have two kinds of followers

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

Only short people can save us

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.