when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH