when someone rings the doorbell
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Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
❤️❤️❤️
They’re the worst 😩
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*updates tinder bio*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Tuesday
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
*sewing*
A thread
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.