When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.