When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
A man of commitment.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“our sushi is very fresh”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I hope Alan is OK
