when someone rings the doorbell
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol