When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Oh deer
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good