When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Duck typos.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?