When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.