When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
You Might Also Like
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?