When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
