When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)