Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Husband of the year 😂

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”