Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out