When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
How funny!
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
who wants to go expliring
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.