When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I think my mom just blocked me
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
That time Alicia messaged me
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great