When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.