Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

the worm is coming from inside the brain

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him