When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.