When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
this is uni
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?