When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
going to bed
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.