When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?