When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*