When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.