When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.