When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate