When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
socratic questions
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy![]()