When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Nomnomnomnom
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
