When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”