Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.