When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Natty or not?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
How is it still this week?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up