When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Seductively hides in the woods
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Hmm, not sure about this change
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute