Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.