When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.

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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.


I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.


If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic


Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time


age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”


I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.


I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce


Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.


2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”


(I’m not deleting this)