all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
#polloftheday
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁