When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I think my mom just blocked me
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m putting together a team
