When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
man i love columbo