when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.