Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

I think I’m having a stroke

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Do one person every day that scares you.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.