when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning