Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I forgot how to panic. Help
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long