Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

your honor my client chooses dare

May have had one breakfast too many

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!