When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.