When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
pictures of spider-man
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.