Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Oh my god

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax