Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.