When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
You Might Also Like
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.