Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

(True)

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Solving a traffic jam

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.