When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!