Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Potatoes were such a good idea

The struggle is real

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

this is the best day of my life

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

they really wanted me dead for this

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo