When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already