Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Most Common Source of Electricity

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.