Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

How about daylight saves us for once

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!