Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore